Where has my baby gone?! 

Today Daisy graduated from nursery! I was so proud watching her on stage singing and dancing with all her friends! 

We were told daisy would never walk, talk or show any form of emotion.. how wrong they got it! She is such a happy clever little lady! 

Today at nursery all the children from morning nursery and afternoon nursery got to graduate together infront of parents and other relatives! It was amazing! 


They all sang a goodbye song which I had heard endlessly for the past two weeks at home! They sang a song they had learnt during music week and then they danced to a song that the children had voted on. At the end they were all presented with their learning journal and a gift. Daisy was so proud of herself! I was so proud of her! 

I must remember every single day just how lucky I am to have such a healthy lovable and clever girl! 

Here is Daisy on her first day at nursery and on her graduation day today! 

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother..

Why does my eldest daughters dad suck at being a dad so much? 

Myself and my two girls go away in two weeks to Tenerife for a two week holiday. We fly on a Monday and I had presumed the girls would spend the weekend just before at their dads. My youngest daughter, Daisy is and is also going away today for a short break with her dad so he can make the most of her before she goes away. 

My eldest daughter on the other hand gets dropped of early again on Sunday and her dad instructs me that he’ll try see her before we go away! Lily (my eldest) is away at Brownie camp this weekend so I knew he wouldn’t see her this weekend, however it is the school holidays and I know he doesn’t work each and every day all day and all night so thought he’d ask to have her at some point.. why I continue to think this after almost nine years of the same lack of effort i don’t know but I like to be hopeful. So I questioned if he’d be having her the weekend just before we go away as normal when I say normal nothing is normal about our set up as he doesn’t understand consistency and he isn’t really into having her if he can avoid it. Usually she goes after her drama class on a Saturday and returns either later that day or Sunday afternoon. He replied ‘I’ll get her after dance Friday and drop her at drama saturday’ this totals to thirteen hours! Of that she spends around ten of them asleep!! I didn’t argue it, I don’t like arguing about things whilst Lily is there to hear. 

This morning Lily explain that her dad is going on holiday I asked if she was going, she want sure.  I presumed he had just forgot to mention it. So I text him to see if she was correct. Turns out she was correct. He is going on holiday, the weekend that should be the first weekend he’ll be having Lily after our holiday. So I ask if Lily is going also. Of course I know the answer. No. 

Now maybe I’m wrong, but shouldn’t he be taking her? He won’t have seen her for twenty eight days and yet on the day he should be seeing her he’s decided he’s going to go away, without her. At the very least couldn’t he have gone whilst we were away and just not told her? 

.. whilst writing this I receive a text, it says. Just to remind you I’m away for a stag weekend on the seventh of July! So that actually means he won’t see her for forty three days! I do wonder if he understands that when you have responsibilities this is not ok! What can I do to make him realise that she is important?? She needs his attention! She needs his love and she needs to be in his life! 

He should realise how lucky he is! So many times I hear of stories where the mother doesn’t allow the child to see their father. All I want for my girls is to see their dads and be loved by both sides! Daisy’s dad is amazing and I can not fault him but Lilys dad doesn’t even deserve the title! 

  

Why does he drive me crazy.. 

All day I have looked forward to the five minutes it takes my youngest daughters dad to drop her off.. 

The problem with me and her dad is that we didn’t end on bad terms, if we had it would be so much easier to get over him. When she was born, she was ill. Really ill. She spent months in hospital and it tore us apart we just couldn’t cope with the strain and stress put on our relationship and when she came home from hospital things didn’t change she was still ill and we didn’t have time for ‘us’. So we split up. 

As time went on I was still concentrating fully on our daughter, he on the other hand had met someone else. I felt hurt and deflated, I guess I always thought we’d just one day end up back together. 

After a year or so they broke up and suddenly he started to show an interest in me again, we were texting, going out and behaving like we were together. But it was a secret, nobody knew. After six months I said enough was enough. I needed clarity. I was madly in love with him again! I told him I needed to be a couple officailaly or we needed to end whatever we were. I explained my feelings and he simply walked away. Again I was left heartbroken. He didn’t want a relationship at the time and he didn’t walk away because he was an arse he just wasn’t ready for what I wanted and I respected that. I just wish I’d have none this six months prior. 

A few months later I discovered he had another girlfriend. I was furious!! I hated him, but I loved him. He was with her for just over a year before they eventually ended. 

Which brings me to today.. we’ll kind of. 

For the past few weeks he has been acting different. Talking, hanging around when he’s dropping our daughter off, texting me. Which isn’t normal. He even complimented me! 

So of course I get the attention from him once again and the feeling of hope comes back! 

When he arrived to drop our daughter of this afternoon I made sure I looked good and secretly hoped he would want to stay for a bit and give me some attention. Which he did! We sat in the sun and watched our daughter playing in the hot tub whilst we chatted. After about thirty minutes he left as he had made plans to meet his friend at the pub. It drives me crazy that I can’t get him out of my head! Even after he left he was all I could think about! 

..Why does he make me feel like this! I love him but clearly we aren’t meant to be together! I wish I could get over him and move on but I can’t. He never hurt me, ok he hurt me by being with other people but he didn’t do it to spite me.. It sometimes would have been easier I think if he had done something awful to end our relationship. 

But still, even though I know this will never become what I want, I’ll reply to every text he sends with hope. Hoping this could be the right time for us?