Six weeks later.. anxiety! 

My first week was horrific! I had nightmares that were so so real that were just horrific! I’d wake up dripping wet. It was awful. I didn’t feel too much different during the day I was still nervous, panicking and looking for every danger, that didn’t exist! 
Week two brought a sense of relief, I’m not really sure if it was genuine or I was just having a good week! The nightmares continued but I’d got used to them by now.. 
Week three and half way through week four I felt normal! Just like how I used to feel.. I was enjoying going out and I wasn’t thinking of every danger imaginable.. it felt good. 
The second half of week four, the panic returns! I visited the local shopping centre to upgrade my phone. Whilst sat speaking to the adviser I felt as though I was going to faint, this was the first time in weeks I had felt this bad.. even before medication. I rang my sister to come get me and as soon as the phone call ended I felt better. The adviser was so good! I told her what was happening and she was so reassuring and amazing with me! I continued to get my phone and then went home. I felt drained for about three days. As my attempt to get a doctors appointment for the past two weeks had failed I was left with no choice but to book an emergency appointment to get more medication. The doctor upt my dose after hearing I wasn’t coping very well. 
Week five, upping my medication gave me a few days of normally! But the panic soon returned. I managed to go out for meal and to the cinema for my birthday, but I feel a huge sense of getting through this was due to the film being hilarious and my mind being distracted. I have started to feel so so tired! Usually I can manage on about 5-6 hours sleep at the moment I’m having at least 8 and feel so sluggish! Maybe I’m over sleeping, but is that really a thing I don’t know! 
Week six, started on my birthday! We had made plans to go to the lake for a walk, I thought open space would be perfect as I tend to feel fine when I’m in control and whilst outdoors I can be. As we were getting ready to set off my mum asked if we fancied going out for breakfast. Suddenly I felt a wave of nerves and panic hit me! I didn’t say anything and got in the car. We arrived at the cafe and the fainting feeling struck! I had to sit down instantly I felt awful, really awful. I cried and panicked. We got the breakfast to go and we went home. I felt a release as soon as we were home. The lake was a no go as I simply felt way too tired and we had plans to go out in the evening for tea. As the evening approached I felt my chest getting tight I was so worried! But I planned to have a few drinks in hope to release my mind into relaxing! How very very wrong I was! I had my first drink, nervous and hoping it would ease my anxiousness. Instead it sent me into a full panic attack! My meal arrived just as it hit! Tears poured down my face! Luckily my dad could see I needed to get up and go! He grabbed my arm and took me outside. After five minutes the panic attack had passed. I went back in and ate my meal. I really just wanted to go home, but I had to stick it out. The next day I was kept busy at work and with the kids. Wednesday was a slow day at work and I found myself with a new anxiety symptom! Anxiety head aches! I have suffered with migraines for a few years and believed it was the beginning of a migraine. Until the room started spinnning and I was so not with it, I felt completely drunk! Confused and unable to concentrate! My mum googled my symptoms and discovered I had described an anxiety headache! 
The last day of week six will be my visit to the neurologist which is tomorrow! I’m so worried! Scared, nervous and not at all wanting to know if there is something ‘serious’ wrong with me! But then hopefully they can give me some ideas of what’s happening and relief some of my worry! 
 
 

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Anxiety..

I have always thought of myself as the strong one! The one that can cope with everything and hold it all together for not just me but for everyone. I don’t talk about my feelings, I don’t let my guard down and I never let anyone know if I’m feeling down. I just get on with it and I’m fine.. Well recently I have been struggling to keep myself together.

Maybe this started in January. I quit my charity work with a plan to focus on me and the girls! I ran a charity that raised money for the unit that looked after Daisy when she was really ill. I set it up when Daisy was discharged from the hospital and it has literally been my life for the past three years. I held fundraisers, put on events and many other things… for the past three years I have sold Reindeer Food and Snowman Soup it was the big money maker for the charity, but this year (Dec 16) I found my sales drop.. I then learnt that a few friends had stolen my ideas and had began selling them for their own gain. It was a low blow and was the final straw which pushed me to step back and take a break.. anyway I think this could have caused the downfall I have now come to see.

In January I lashed out at my very best friend. Looking back now, she did not deserve the rant she received! Cutting a long story short I took a few minor things to heart and I told her I was done with her. We fell out.

Fast forward a few months.. At the time I didn’t really see my behaviour as odd but now I realise it wasn’t normal! I had become to over think things. I developed fears of things that I had never feared before. I took Daisy to get her ears pierced, I signed the paper work and then just as the lady was getting her things ready I had to walk out! I couldn’t cope! I felt as though i couldn’t breathe. Another time i went for my eyes testing and fainted! Who faints getting their eyes tested! I had a few other experiences like these that really didn’t make sense to me as i had never felt that way before.

Going shopping was becoming scary. I began to think that something bad was going to happen. It wasn’t helped by the police presence after the terror attacks and literally everytime i went shopping or out to a big public space i would plan my exit. I wouldn’t go into stores that didn’t have an easy get away. Going out for meals i had to sit with the door in my sight and eat as fast as possible so I could leave as soon as possible.

The main change in my behaviour occurred when my parents took Daisy away for the week, Lily was supposed to go but had changed her mind. As Lily deceided to stay home my sister opted to go in her place. this was the first time in a very long time that i was home alone and soley responsible for Lily. The week began fine, but as the week went on i started to feel really strange. I cant describe it any other way other than strange. Lily had been invited to her friends birthday party and was sleeping over at her house. I dropped her off at the party and walked over to the shops which were close to where we live. i was looking at suitcases and i had this rush of panic. I had to get out. I felt as though i could faint at any moment and i just had to leave. I ran! As i reached the door my mum rang, which i think helped to calm me down. I went home and had an emotional few hours flicking threw pictures of Daisy when she was ill. At around ten i took myself to bed. I was so restless and couldn’t get to sleep. After an hour of tossing and turning i received a phone call from the parent that had Lily asking me to come and collect her. I had instant panic! Walking at this time to her house wasn’t ideal but i was seriously terrified. I collected lily and when we were home we got into bed. This is when i had my first panic attack, my arms were shaking, my legs were shaking and i was uncontrollably crying. At the time i did not know what was happening and thought i was having some kind of seizure. Lily was so good! But i could see she was scared. I rang the only person i knew would be up. My friend that i had fallen out with in January. she was amazing! She told me to go come round to her house with Lily and she rang the medical helpline for some advice. I was given a drs appointment for the morning. I thanked her and hugged her before me and Lily left to go home. I had stopped shaking and the panic feeling wasn’t as strong. Lily snuggled up to me and went to sleep. I laid awake watching the television to try distract myself, at some point i must have fallen asleep.

The next day Lily went to her dads and i went to my doctors appointment. A friend came with me just incase i had a repeat of last night. I went in to see the doctor and well he wasn’t the best. He thought i was drunk! He told me i possibly had a shake problem in my arm. I left feeling as though i had just wasted my time. 

Fast forward a few months and these episodes were happening on a weekly basis sometimes twice a week!

Then came our holiday.. I love flying but for the first time in the twenty six years of my life I found I had to get drunk to enable myself to get on the plane.. I’m not a drinker! I love flying! The thought of terbulance would get me so excited! Not this time! I hated it! Even sat in the isle seat!! Whilst away I had roughly five panic attacks and I fainted once! Yes actually fainted! I spent three full days and four nights inside the apartment. This is not me! I wanted to go to see the volcano but I couldn’t bring myself to be in a place I had no control.. I wanted to go on a boat to see the dolphins but I couldn’t bring myself to do so! The days we ventured out were to the pool which was a minutes walk away and to the beach that was a five minute walk away! I went knowing I could get up and go home at any point.. and I drank! I found my way to cope whilst away was to drink! 

When we returned from our holiday I realised something wasn’t right! This was not me! I felt nervous all the time! I was scared all the time! I was worrying about things that didn’t matter! I was starting to create problems that didn’t exist! I felt faint when talking to people! I became a sweaty person when around others or worrying! I couldn’t concentrate! I couldn’t sleep! I was terrified of going to sleep and not waking up! I couldn’t breathe! It wasn’t me! 

So I booked in to see my doctor! Monday 10th July.. I was so nervous but I knew I had to do this as I was never going to get away from these feelings and well I couldn’t cope anymore. She was amazing! Completely understanding! Really helpful and I felt a weight realise from my shoulders as soon as we started talking. She advised me about talking therapy and prescribed me a low dose of medication. She told me I was experiencing anxiety and I wasn’t crazy! 

Leaving the appointment i felt so much better.. it was the first time in a long time that I walked home without my headphones in! 

That night I started my medication.. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day Five.. 

Day five already!! So today we had a family breakfast on the balcony.. I had a chocolate dipped croissant not what I had asked for but it’s what my dad thought I’d like from the shop.. Daisy had a donut again not what I’d asked my dad for but never mind.. Lily also had the same as me. 

-Lily & Daisy at breakfast-

We creamed up and headed to the pool. 

Lily was driving my insane! Lily as much as I love her to pieces I could honestly leave her at home some days! Daisy was a bit tired not sure if her chronic lung disease is causing problems so she wanted to have a sleep. So I got out the pool to get her to sleep.. I left lily alone in the pool, now she is 8 years old and is a very good swimmer so I had no concerns that she was fine. The pool is also a private pool that we’ve literally had to ourselves all holiday! Anyway, she decides she’s going to play the ‘You love her more then me’ card! Which ok maybe I do treat Daisy a bit different she almost died several times and has ongoing health problems that make me appreciate my time spent with her a little differently but anyway.. lily starts huffing and puffing and complaining! So I take her out the pool and walk her back to the apartment. We discuss how she’s behaving like a spoilt brat and that me being outside the pool for ten minutes isn’t being unreasonable.. i should be ok to expect she can entertain herself for at least thirty minutes! But no, Lily disagrees. She’s hard work! She is very demanding. Very spoilt. Very all about me! Very not how I brought her up! So we have a chat, this is a regular thing for us and it’s done. ..Daisy never actually went to sleep in the end.

It’s now dinner time, so we all walk over to the shop to get a nice baguette and meat to eat. We stopped off in a few tat shops and all bought ankle bracelets. 

-Lunch or dinner-

We eat our dinner at the pool and then play in the pool.. I was the shark that was attacking the boats. The girls thought it was an ace game! 

Then it was time again to go get ready to go out! 


Tonight we went to the restaurant we had cocktails in a few nights ago that was on the front. I ordered a purple rain.. it was stunning! 

-Purple Rain-

Whilst I was enjoying my cocktail my dad rang my grandma back at home.. my grandad is currently in hospital and she’s by herself.. she told my dad about a guy knocking on her door to see if she wanted any gardening doing. She had said yes and let him in! He then tried charging her over £1000.. he was there a few hours!!!! She doesn’t have that kind of money, but gave him what she did have! My dad went crazy! My grandma got upset. My dads instinct was I’m coming home. Which is my dad all over, family is first and if someone isn’t doing well and they need support he’s the first there. I told him that he wasn’t to leave and he should ring his sister my auntie instead. Now she and my uncle are the complete opposite of my dad! They never help and never care unless it concerns them. I have argued with her in the past over how wrong she is to expect my dad to do everything.. so he rings her! Her reply was as expected.. I’m too busy!! Now she is with a man that has money, she works because she is bored at home twice a week which I believe is on a Thursday and a Friday .. she doesn’t have to! They don’t need the money. She goes to the gym every morning and has lunches with the girls. So how she can be too busy to go take care of her mum for the two weeks we’re away is beyond me!! My dad, and my mum, myself and sister all work full time jobs.. we all have taken unpaid leave from work to ensure she and my grandad are ok! Why the f*** can’t she! So back to the actual story.. my dad gets off the phone and is clearly upset. Firstly at the fact that he can’t do anything and secondly at the fact that my auntie is a selfish cow! I then suggest he rings our family friend who works for the police for some advice.. she suggests reporting it and offers to go see her! Yes a complete stranger to my grandma offers to go see her but my grandmas daughter is too busy for her!!… an hour or so passes and my dad recalls my grandma to suggest she goes to live in our house where we know she has our neighbours that would assist her completely and she’d be safe of course we are worried this guy is going to return.. but before he gets chance to my gran reveals my auntie has just been on the phone offering to come down tomorrow! Guess she felt guilty! My dad now feels a little more at ease, our police lady friend is calling by also tomorrow to check she is ok. 

We then went to the table for food!!! Me and my dad love sea food!! So we ordered a sea food sharer, it was nice but wasn’t amazing! 

Daisy was fast asleep by this time! After we had eaten.. and drank several more cocktails we headed home! 

Why does he drive me crazy.. 

All day I have looked forward to the five minutes it takes my youngest daughters dad to drop her off.. 

The problem with me and her dad is that we didn’t end on bad terms, if we had it would be so much easier to get over him. When she was born, she was ill. Really ill. She spent months in hospital and it tore us apart we just couldn’t cope with the strain and stress put on our relationship and when she came home from hospital things didn’t change she was still ill and we didn’t have time for ‘us’. So we split up. 

As time went on I was still concentrating fully on our daughter, he on the other hand had met someone else. I felt hurt and deflated, I guess I always thought we’d just one day end up back together. 

After a year or so they broke up and suddenly he started to show an interest in me again, we were texting, going out and behaving like we were together. But it was a secret, nobody knew. After six months I said enough was enough. I needed clarity. I was madly in love with him again! I told him I needed to be a couple officailaly or we needed to end whatever we were. I explained my feelings and he simply walked away. Again I was left heartbroken. He didn’t want a relationship at the time and he didn’t walk away because he was an arse he just wasn’t ready for what I wanted and I respected that. I just wish I’d have none this six months prior. 

A few months later I discovered he had another girlfriend. I was furious!! I hated him, but I loved him. He was with her for just over a year before they eventually ended. 

Which brings me to today.. we’ll kind of. 

For the past few weeks he has been acting different. Talking, hanging around when he’s dropping our daughter off, texting me. Which isn’t normal. He even complimented me! 

So of course I get the attention from him once again and the feeling of hope comes back! 

When he arrived to drop our daughter of this afternoon I made sure I looked good and secretly hoped he would want to stay for a bit and give me some attention. Which he did! We sat in the sun and watched our daughter playing in the hot tub whilst we chatted. After about thirty minutes he left as he had made plans to meet his friend at the pub. It drives me crazy that I can’t get him out of my head! Even after he left he was all I could think about! 

..Why does he make me feel like this! I love him but clearly we aren’t meant to be together! I wish I could get over him and move on but I can’t. He never hurt me, ok he hurt me by being with other people but he didn’t do it to spite me.. It sometimes would have been easier I think if he had done something awful to end our relationship. 

But still, even though I know this will never become what I want, I’ll reply to every text he sends with hope. Hoping this could be the right time for us?