Where has my baby gone?! 

Today Daisy graduated from nursery! I was so proud watching her on stage singing and dancing with all her friends! 

We were told daisy would never walk, talk or show any form of emotion.. how wrong they got it! She is such a happy clever little lady! 

Today at nursery all the children from morning nursery and afternoon nursery got to graduate together infront of parents and other relatives! It was amazing! 


They all sang a goodbye song which I had heard endlessly for the past two weeks at home! They sang a song they had learnt during music week and then they danced to a song that the children had voted on. At the end they were all presented with their learning journal and a gift. Daisy was so proud of herself! I was so proud of her! 

I must remember every single day just how lucky I am to have such a healthy lovable and clever girl! 

Here is Daisy on her first day at nursery and on her graduation day today! 

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Anxiety..

I have always thought of myself as the strong one! The one that can cope with everything and hold it all together for not just me but for everyone. I don’t talk about my feelings, I don’t let my guard down and I never let anyone know if I’m feeling down. I just get on with it and I’m fine.. Well recently I have been struggling to keep myself together.

Maybe this started in January. I quit my charity work with a plan to focus on me and the girls! I ran a charity that raised money for the unit that looked after Daisy when she was really ill. I set it up when Daisy was discharged from the hospital and it has literally been my life for the past three years. I held fundraisers, put on events and many other things… for the past three years I have sold Reindeer Food and Snowman Soup it was the big money maker for the charity, but this year (Dec 16) I found my sales drop.. I then learnt that a few friends had stolen my ideas and had began selling them for their own gain. It was a low blow and was the final straw which pushed me to step back and take a break.. anyway I think this could have caused the downfall I have now come to see.

In January I lashed out at my very best friend. Looking back now, she did not deserve the rant she received! Cutting a long story short I took a few minor things to heart and I told her I was done with her. We fell out.

Fast forward a few months.. At the time I didn’t really see my behaviour as odd but now I realise it wasn’t normal! I had become to over think things. I developed fears of things that I had never feared before. I took Daisy to get her ears pierced, I signed the paper work and then just as the lady was getting her things ready I had to walk out! I couldn’t cope! I felt as though i couldn’t breathe. Another time i went for my eyes testing and fainted! Who faints getting their eyes tested! I had a few other experiences like these that really didn’t make sense to me as i had never felt that way before.

Going shopping was becoming scary. I began to think that something bad was going to happen. It wasn’t helped by the police presence after the terror attacks and literally everytime i went shopping or out to a big public space i would plan my exit. I wouldn’t go into stores that didn’t have an easy get away. Going out for meals i had to sit with the door in my sight and eat as fast as possible so I could leave as soon as possible.

The main change in my behaviour occurred when my parents took Daisy away for the week, Lily was supposed to go but had changed her mind. As Lily deceided to stay home my sister opted to go in her place. this was the first time in a very long time that i was home alone and soley responsible for Lily. The week began fine, but as the week went on i started to feel really strange. I cant describe it any other way other than strange. Lily had been invited to her friends birthday party and was sleeping over at her house. I dropped her off at the party and walked over to the shops which were close to where we live. i was looking at suitcases and i had this rush of panic. I had to get out. I felt as though i could faint at any moment and i just had to leave. I ran! As i reached the door my mum rang, which i think helped to calm me down. I went home and had an emotional few hours flicking threw pictures of Daisy when she was ill. At around ten i took myself to bed. I was so restless and couldn’t get to sleep. After an hour of tossing and turning i received a phone call from the parent that had Lily asking me to come and collect her. I had instant panic! Walking at this time to her house wasn’t ideal but i was seriously terrified. I collected lily and when we were home we got into bed. This is when i had my first panic attack, my arms were shaking, my legs were shaking and i was uncontrollably crying. At the time i did not know what was happening and thought i was having some kind of seizure. Lily was so good! But i could see she was scared. I rang the only person i knew would be up. My friend that i had fallen out with in January. she was amazing! She told me to go come round to her house with Lily and she rang the medical helpline for some advice. I was given a drs appointment for the morning. I thanked her and hugged her before me and Lily left to go home. I had stopped shaking and the panic feeling wasn’t as strong. Lily snuggled up to me and went to sleep. I laid awake watching the television to try distract myself, at some point i must have fallen asleep.

The next day Lily went to her dads and i went to my doctors appointment. A friend came with me just incase i had a repeat of last night. I went in to see the doctor and well he wasn’t the best. He thought i was drunk! He told me i possibly had a shake problem in my arm. I left feeling as though i had just wasted my time. 

Fast forward a few months and these episodes were happening on a weekly basis sometimes twice a week!

Then came our holiday.. I love flying but for the first time in the twenty six years of my life I found I had to get drunk to enable myself to get on the plane.. I’m not a drinker! I love flying! The thought of terbulance would get me so excited! Not this time! I hated it! Even sat in the isle seat!! Whilst away I had roughly five panic attacks and I fainted once! Yes actually fainted! I spent three full days and four nights inside the apartment. This is not me! I wanted to go to see the volcano but I couldn’t bring myself to be in a place I had no control.. I wanted to go on a boat to see the dolphins but I couldn’t bring myself to do so! The days we ventured out were to the pool which was a minutes walk away and to the beach that was a five minute walk away! I went knowing I could get up and go home at any point.. and I drank! I found my way to cope whilst away was to drink! 

When we returned from our holiday I realised something wasn’t right! This was not me! I felt nervous all the time! I was scared all the time! I was worrying about things that didn’t matter! I was starting to create problems that didn’t exist! I felt faint when talking to people! I became a sweaty person when around others or worrying! I couldn’t concentrate! I couldn’t sleep! I was terrified of going to sleep and not waking up! I couldn’t breathe! It wasn’t me! 

So I booked in to see my doctor! Monday 10th July.. I was so nervous but I knew I had to do this as I was never going to get away from these feelings and well I couldn’t cope anymore. She was amazing! Completely understanding! Really helpful and I felt a weight realise from my shoulders as soon as we started talking. She advised me about talking therapy and prescribed me a low dose of medication. She told me I was experiencing anxiety and I wasn’t crazy! 

Leaving the appointment i felt so much better.. it was the first time in a long time that I walked home without my headphones in! 

That night I started my medication.. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodbye Dummies..

I have decided enough if enough! The dummies need to go! Daisy is four and still a complete dummie addict! Last Christmas I attempted to get rid of them but I gave in when she wouldn’t stop crying.. ever since then I have tried every so often but each time I have given in.. made excuses about her breathing problems! Daisy does have breathing problems and I was told sucking a dummie would help however I don’t think the dr intended her to have them for life! 

As we got off the plane from Tenerife Monday evening a decided to leave them behind they were hidden in my bag, but Daisy was told I left them on the plane by accident. She asked for them a few times on the taxi ride home but I just apologised and explained I’d been silly and left them on the plane.

When it was bed time it helped that she was tired and not in her routine I think.. Me, Lily and Daisy all got into my bed for snuggles and after an hour or so of whining and asking for them she fell asleep.. without them!

When she woke up she didn’t even realise she didn’t have her dummies! I told her I was so proud of her and how much of a big girl she was! It was a school morning so up and off we were.

The second night wasn’t as hard has I had thought.. she cried but not for long. Maybe ten minutes until she fell asleep! I told her she deserved a big treat for being such a big girl! She has being asking for a cry baby since Christmas but I had no idea what she meant until last week when she showed me one in the shop so I decided to order her one! She’s going to be so happy!! 

Daisy woke up in the night, she was a little sad and cried for maybe five minutes. I‘ve always had the same approach to in the night crying and that’s a simple ‘go back to sleep’ and or ‘shhh its sleep time’ it is said in a very to the point plain voice and they are expected to do as they are told.. this usually does work very well and unless their ill the crying stops fairly quickly and without much fuss. 

When Daisy woke up I told her I was very proud of her!

Later that day a parcel arrived, I told Daisy it was for her. She was so excited! I said it was a special gift for giving up her dummies. Her face was better than Christmas morning! She opened the box so slowly as she kept stopping to jump up and down and smile at me! When she opened it my heart melted, her face was filled with joy as she reached into the box to pull out her cry baby. I explained she had received it for being such a big girl and making everyone so proud by no longer needing dummies to go to sleep. She then spent the entire afternoon clutching her new doll.

Night three was a bit slow, she had been at her nanas for tea and they live about ten minutes away so I presumed she’d maybe had a little kip on the route home so I wasn’t in a rush to get her into bed, at around 8:30 we went to bed, again she asked for her dummies and again I explained she was a big girl now so didn’t have them anymore. Again, she got sad and as I could see no sleep in her I let her watch the TV for a bit. At 9:00 it was turned off and we had cuddles. She went to sleep with very little fuss at all!

Daisy woke again in the night, but went straight back to sleep. No mention of her dummies!!

When Daisy woke up I asked her if she’d had a good nights sleep, she said she had and confirmed to me that she was a big girl now and hadn’t needed her dummies again! I told her again how proud I felt!

Night four, no mention of dummies. Dare I say WE DID IT!

Goodbye dummies!

 

 



Easter Sunday.

Today has been Easter Sunday.

As a child Easter was a family occasion where we celebrated Easter together. We were either away on holiday together or spent it at home with a big family dinner.

Today I found myself alone for the majority of the day. Which, as lovely as that was getting to sit down and watch some TV, it was so sad.

(Daisy was at her dads & Lily was at home but then left at 11am to go to her dads.)

I would have loved to have both girls here at home! Going to Sunday Service this morning, hunting for Easter Eggs, eating a family dinner before snuggling up to watch a film and stuffing our faces with chocolate!

As much as I would never stop the girls visiting their dads I do wish that for certain celebrations they were home with me. A mid-week Egg hunt is just not the same! It kind of takes the Easter aspect out of Easter. It just becomes an Egg hunt.