Six weeks later.. anxiety! 

My first week was horrific! I had nightmares that were so so real that were just horrific! I’d wake up dripping wet. It was awful. I didn’t feel too much different during the day I was still nervous, panicking and looking for every danger, that didn’t exist! 
Week two brought a sense of relief, I’m not really sure if it was genuine or I was just having a good week! The nightmares continued but I’d got used to them by now.. 
Week three and half way through week four I felt normal! Just like how I used to feel.. I was enjoying going out and I wasn’t thinking of every danger imaginable.. it felt good. 
The second half of week four, the panic returns! I visited the local shopping centre to upgrade my phone. Whilst sat speaking to the adviser I felt as though I was going to faint, this was the first time in weeks I had felt this bad.. even before medication. I rang my sister to come get me and as soon as the phone call ended I felt better. The adviser was so good! I told her what was happening and she was so reassuring and amazing with me! I continued to get my phone and then went home. I felt drained for about three days. As my attempt to get a doctors appointment for the past two weeks had failed I was left with no choice but to book an emergency appointment to get more medication. The doctor upt my dose after hearing I wasn’t coping very well. 
Week five, upping my medication gave me a few days of normally! But the panic soon returned. I managed to go out for meal and to the cinema for my birthday, but I feel a huge sense of getting through this was due to the film being hilarious and my mind being distracted. I have started to feel so so tired! Usually I can manage on about 5-6 hours sleep at the moment I’m having at least 8 and feel so sluggish! Maybe I’m over sleeping, but is that really a thing I don’t know! 
Week six, started on my birthday! We had made plans to go to the lake for a walk, I thought open space would be perfect as I tend to feel fine when I’m in control and whilst outdoors I can be. As we were getting ready to set off my mum asked if we fancied going out for breakfast. Suddenly I felt a wave of nerves and panic hit me! I didn’t say anything and got in the car. We arrived at the cafe and the fainting feeling struck! I had to sit down instantly I felt awful, really awful. I cried and panicked. We got the breakfast to go and we went home. I felt a release as soon as we were home. The lake was a no go as I simply felt way too tired and we had plans to go out in the evening for tea. As the evening approached I felt my chest getting tight I was so worried! But I planned to have a few drinks in hope to release my mind into relaxing! How very very wrong I was! I had my first drink, nervous and hoping it would ease my anxiousness. Instead it sent me into a full panic attack! My meal arrived just as it hit! Tears poured down my face! Luckily my dad could see I needed to get up and go! He grabbed my arm and took me outside. After five minutes the panic attack had passed. I went back in and ate my meal. I really just wanted to go home, but I had to stick it out. The next day I was kept busy at work and with the kids. Wednesday was a slow day at work and I found myself with a new anxiety symptom! Anxiety head aches! I have suffered with migraines for a few years and believed it was the beginning of a migraine. Until the room started spinnning and I was so not with it, I felt completely drunk! Confused and unable to concentrate! My mum googled my symptoms and discovered I had described an anxiety headache! 
The last day of week six will be my visit to the neurologist which is tomorrow! I’m so worried! Scared, nervous and not at all wanting to know if there is something ‘serious’ wrong with me! But then hopefully they can give me some ideas of what’s happening and relief some of my worry! 
 
 

Anxiety..

I have always thought of myself as the strong one! The one that can cope with everything and hold it all together for not just me but for everyone. I don’t talk about my feelings, I don’t let my guard down and I never let anyone know if I’m feeling down. I just get on with it and I’m fine.. Well recently I have been struggling to keep myself together.

Maybe this started in January. I quit my charity work with a plan to focus on me and the girls! I ran a charity that raised money for the unit that looked after Daisy when she was really ill. I set it up when Daisy was discharged from the hospital and it has literally been my life for the past three years. I held fundraisers, put on events and many other things… for the past three years I have sold Reindeer Food and Snowman Soup it was the big money maker for the charity, but this year (Dec 16) I found my sales drop.. I then learnt that a few friends had stolen my ideas and had began selling them for their own gain. It was a low blow and was the final straw which pushed me to step back and take a break.. anyway I think this could have caused the downfall I have now come to see.

In January I lashed out at my very best friend. Looking back now, she did not deserve the rant she received! Cutting a long story short I took a few minor things to heart and I told her I was done with her. We fell out.

Fast forward a few months.. At the time I didn’t really see my behaviour as odd but now I realise it wasn’t normal! I had become to over think things. I developed fears of things that I had never feared before. I took Daisy to get her ears pierced, I signed the paper work and then just as the lady was getting her things ready I had to walk out! I couldn’t cope! I felt as though i couldn’t breathe. Another time i went for my eyes testing and fainted! Who faints getting their eyes tested! I had a few other experiences like these that really didn’t make sense to me as i had never felt that way before.

Going shopping was becoming scary. I began to think that something bad was going to happen. It wasn’t helped by the police presence after the terror attacks and literally everytime i went shopping or out to a big public space i would plan my exit. I wouldn’t go into stores that didn’t have an easy get away. Going out for meals i had to sit with the door in my sight and eat as fast as possible so I could leave as soon as possible.

The main change in my behaviour occurred when my parents took Daisy away for the week, Lily was supposed to go but had changed her mind. As Lily deceided to stay home my sister opted to go in her place. this was the first time in a very long time that i was home alone and soley responsible for Lily. The week began fine, but as the week went on i started to feel really strange. I cant describe it any other way other than strange. Lily had been invited to her friends birthday party and was sleeping over at her house. I dropped her off at the party and walked over to the shops which were close to where we live. i was looking at suitcases and i had this rush of panic. I had to get out. I felt as though i could faint at any moment and i just had to leave. I ran! As i reached the door my mum rang, which i think helped to calm me down. I went home and had an emotional few hours flicking threw pictures of Daisy when she was ill. At around ten i took myself to bed. I was so restless and couldn’t get to sleep. After an hour of tossing and turning i received a phone call from the parent that had Lily asking me to come and collect her. I had instant panic! Walking at this time to her house wasn’t ideal but i was seriously terrified. I collected lily and when we were home we got into bed. This is when i had my first panic attack, my arms were shaking, my legs were shaking and i was uncontrollably crying. At the time i did not know what was happening and thought i was having some kind of seizure. Lily was so good! But i could see she was scared. I rang the only person i knew would be up. My friend that i had fallen out with in January. she was amazing! She told me to go come round to her house with Lily and she rang the medical helpline for some advice. I was given a drs appointment for the morning. I thanked her and hugged her before me and Lily left to go home. I had stopped shaking and the panic feeling wasn’t as strong. Lily snuggled up to me and went to sleep. I laid awake watching the television to try distract myself, at some point i must have fallen asleep.

The next day Lily went to her dads and i went to my doctors appointment. A friend came with me just incase i had a repeat of last night. I went in to see the doctor and well he wasn’t the best. He thought i was drunk! He told me i possibly had a shake problem in my arm. I left feeling as though i had just wasted my time. 

Fast forward a few months and these episodes were happening on a weekly basis sometimes twice a week!

Then came our holiday.. I love flying but for the first time in the twenty six years of my life I found I had to get drunk to enable myself to get on the plane.. I’m not a drinker! I love flying! The thought of terbulance would get me so excited! Not this time! I hated it! Even sat in the isle seat!! Whilst away I had roughly five panic attacks and I fainted once! Yes actually fainted! I spent three full days and four nights inside the apartment. This is not me! I wanted to go to see the volcano but I couldn’t bring myself to be in a place I had no control.. I wanted to go on a boat to see the dolphins but I couldn’t bring myself to do so! The days we ventured out were to the pool which was a minutes walk away and to the beach that was a five minute walk away! I went knowing I could get up and go home at any point.. and I drank! I found my way to cope whilst away was to drink! 

When we returned from our holiday I realised something wasn’t right! This was not me! I felt nervous all the time! I was scared all the time! I was worrying about things that didn’t matter! I was starting to create problems that didn’t exist! I felt faint when talking to people! I became a sweaty person when around others or worrying! I couldn’t concentrate! I couldn’t sleep! I was terrified of going to sleep and not waking up! I couldn’t breathe! It wasn’t me! 

So I booked in to see my doctor! Monday 10th July.. I was so nervous but I knew I had to do this as I was never going to get away from these feelings and well I couldn’t cope anymore. She was amazing! Completely understanding! Really helpful and I felt a weight realise from my shoulders as soon as we started talking. She advised me about talking therapy and prescribed me a low dose of medication. She told me I was experiencing anxiety and I wasn’t crazy! 

Leaving the appointment i felt so much better.. it was the first time in a long time that I walked home without my headphones in! 

That night I started my medication.. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day Nine.. 

What a day today has been!!

Had next to no sleep last night as Lily was up most of the night in pain with her ear! Then when I looked in the mirror I noticed blisters had started to form on my very burnt shoulders! I’m so annoyed with myself because I literally went in the pool and got out 20 mins before heading back to the apartment so didn’t reapply any cream! Big mistake!! 

When we were all awake we walked up to the pool bar to ask where was the best place to go for a doctor! The lady described a place we had seen and off we went. The dr checked Lilys ear and conculded she has an ear infection.. so I paid the bill which was €135. Just as I’d paid Lily went drip white and fainted! The dr, myself and my sister carried her into the Drs room.. she came round and then fainted again! The doctor insisted on phoning an ambulance, he thought she was having some sort of heart attack!! So of course I panic and then I faint too!! What a pair! 

The ambulance arrived and well Lily kicked off like crazy! Not sure if she was a bit out of it from faining or she was showing her true colours! I was so weak after also fainting and it took my dad my mum and my sister to get her into the ambulance. On route the nurse was so lovely very reassuring and patient! Lily calmed down and accepted that she was going to go to hospital for some tests. 

-Lilys ambulance selfie-

We arrived at the hospital and despite the waiting room being so full we were taken straight into a side room. After a while the lady from the ambulance returned to take Lilys bloods.. again Lily wasn’t impressed about this but after being pinned down by myself and my dad the nurse managed to get a canular in! They took some blood and bandaged her canular up. We then were taken to a ward, where we had to wait for the results. 


We played tipping point, eye spy and watched YouTube to try keep Lilys mind at ease! She was hungry and bored! The vending machine offered a very strange variety of things and I think she was too worried to eat at the time despite not having eaten a thing all day! 


At around 5pm the blood results came back, all was fine! We could take her home! So I paid the bill.. which was over €850! I’m glad I brought my credit card!! 

I called into the chemist for the prescription and dad hailed a taxi, we went back to the apartment. 

My shoulders had completely blistered by the time we were home so after putting Lilys ear drops in i covered myself with an ice cold wet pillowcase in hope to rescue my poor shoulders! Lily then had to take a tablet, this is her first time! Lily being lily wasn’t going to make it easy and after about thirty minutes she finally swallowed it! 

My mum, Dad and nats all went out I wasn’t going out in the sun with my blisters! Me and the girls joined them after watching Emerdale which was around the same time that the sun went down.

We walked along the front and bought a few presents for the girls dads and friends. Then we went to the restaurant for some food. I ordered the same starter as always and pasta for my main.. the pasta wasn’t great but I’m very fussy with pasta! Everyone else said theirs was lovely so it must have just been me!

After dinner we walked to get an ice cream! The girls also bought a light up ball on a string. On the way home Daisy lost hers.. I tried catching it but failed. Lily was so kind and instantly gave her hers! 


When we got back to the apartment we had a drink on the balcony and then went to bed.. after putting more ear drops in Lilys ears and her having another tablet! 

This has been the most expensive day of the holiday so far! I’m so glad I have medical insurance so I can claim it all back once home! 

Day Four..

Beach day today! 

Had breakfast at the pool bar then we walked down to the beach. 

We stopped off at a spar to get some drinks for the beach and bucket and spade for the girls. We bought a sheet from a ‘lucky lucky’ man.. I’ve seen them on Wish and wanted one for ages! He wanted €30 but managed to get him down to €12 which considering they’re £10 on Wish I didn’t think that was too bad. 

We set up on the beach and Daisy was in her element! Lily not so much as she’s not a fan of the sand but Daisy absolutely loved it! She was laid in it, rolling in it, jumping in it, covering herself in it.. literally going insane!

-My sand monster, Daisy-

Then we went for a dip in the sea, it was warm and clear! Daisy loved it! Lily again is not a fan and stood at the very edge of the water! Daisy was really surprised to see fish in the sea, I’m not sure where she thinks fish come from but she clearly didn’t think they came from the sea! After we saw the fish she no longer wanted to be in the sea and wanted to go play on the sand again. 

-Daisy this time in the sea-

We bought some melon from a guy selling fruit, I feel we were overcharged some what but he was a nice guy! The melon was so tasty!!

After a few hours sunbathing and watching the girls practise their gymnastics on the sand we decided to go get something to eat, so we packed up.. at this point I realised just how covered in sand Daisy was! It covered her head to toe! So this took a rather long rinse in the foot wash to sort out! 

-Gym practise-

We headed for Burger King, as it was the closest and fastest option! 

After our dinner we walked up the road to a bar to meet my mum and dad. On route we stopped off in a tat shop, where lily bought a jumpsuit beach cover up and Natalie bought a fan. By this point Daisy was fast asleep in her pram! We arrived st the bar and has a drink. Then we went back to the pool at the appartment to rinse off mainly I swam a few lengths and watched Lilys attempts to dive! She’s getting better!! 

When we had had enough at the pool we came back to the appartment. My dad took Lily to the pool bar they already had sleeping Daisy. I got a shower and decided that instead of doing something I would sit and read my book! Which I did for approximately 5 pages before getting up to put a wash on and tidy up. The girls and my parents arrived home and we sat on the balcony with some drinks. 

Later we had tea! We had tapas style food! It was delicious!! Tonight we were treated to entertainment provided by Lily & Daisy. They were both fantastic! There is nothing more perfect in this world than watching my girls dance and sing! Daisy gets a little shy but lily has such a passion to dance and to sing it’s simply magical! 

Day Three..

Had a lovely sleep in this morning! 

Then we went to the pool bar for breakfast, I had a ham and cheese toastie.. completely lost the plot in regards to mindful eating today.. 

Then we got our swim stuff on and went to the pool, the girls had fun playing and swimming. Lily was a little grumpy as usual think she could do with a friend that’s not her little sister! 

-Lily & Daisy enjoying an ice pop-

Why is it in England we have no sugar in things like this anymore! They tasted so good! Yet despite searching high and low for them in pretty much every English supermarket I’ve not been able to find any!  

After the pool we went to get changed for tea! 


We all are a little red tonight.. seems we may have required more sun cream! Oops! 

We went for a drink at the pool bar, where I discovered they sold Fanta lemon!! Which again tastes completely different abroad for some reason?! Then we wondered down towards the beach and stopped off in a gorgeous bar/restaurant the cocktails were stunning and the view was just as nice! 

Then we went to another restaurant for food, we had noticed they had a proper pizza oven and as we all love pizza and cam garauntee Daisy will actually eat it we went there. 

WOW!! This place was amazing! I got bruesetta for starters, then pizza for main obviously it was beautiful! Hands down the best pizza I’ve had! Daisy also got a pizza, which arrived shaped like a heart Daisy loved this touch! Lily choose ribs, from the adult menu.. they were huge! They both tucked in but couldn’t finish as their meals were simply enormous! I shared some sangria with Nats and then we left. 

We called at McDonalds like you do for a mcflurry on the way home. 


The girls were exhausted and fell straight to sleep! 

Day Two..

After the kids arguing about where their feet were going in the bed and messing about with the sheets they finally fell asleep! 

We had toast for breakfast on the balcony.

We went for a wonder around, found loads of bars and tat shops I have a tat shop weakness. We stopped off at a bar for a drink, before heading to the supermarket for some supplies! 

Daisy & Lynda (my mum)-

After we dropped of the shopping at the appartment we went to the pool bar for dinner! I ordered a salad as I’m trying not to go crazy and regain all the weight ive lost recently! 

Ham salad, yum!

When we had finished we all went pool inflatable shopping! Daisy choose a pink ring and a pool noodle, Lily choose a sofa lilo and I just got a normal lilo for myself! We then went to the pool. 

-Lily & Daisy-

We all had fun in the pool, the girls were jumping in and enjoying themselves on their inflatables.. Lily made a Spanish friend. She spoke English so they could communicate, I do find it so wrong and sad that children in Britain aren’t taught other languages from an early age! 

-Lily & Daisy at the pool-

After the pool it was time to go get showered and changed! Daisy fell asleep and woke up in a very very grumpy mood! We walked to the pool bar for a drink whilst we waited for Natalie (my sister) to get ready.. she always seems to take forever!! Daisy sulked and sat on my knee the entire time we were there. 

Then we had a walk down to the bar we had visited during the day, for tea! We ordered sangria to drink and I had squid.. again. Lily had a burger and Daisy ordered the only thing she wanted.. bread! 


The girls had pudding and we left. I think we will revisit this restaurant as the food was very nice! 

Back to the apartment for one last drink before bed. 

Day One..

Up at 3am to ensure we were all ready for the taxi picking us up at 4.. That hour went so fast! I ended up running out the house forgetting my purse! 

Luckily I realised and could nip back in for it! 

We arrived at the airport, straight to check in! Failed the self serve so ended up waiting in line to do it the old fashioned way! 

Then we went to Witherspoons for breakfast! It was so busy!! 
2 slices of toast and 1 bottle of prosecco later I was a little on my way to bring drunk! I didn’t drink the entire bottle I shared it with my sister! 

-Pre Flight Drinks-


As my toast arrived we were called for boarding an hour before we were due to take of so we didn’t rush! The girls got a magazine and I bought some food! Then we went to gate, was literally the last on! Oops!

-Lily & Daisy ready to board!-

 

Took my special drops rescue 

As the food and drink came round I thought as I was a little anxious and well I was already half cut I’d get myself 2 bottles of cava.. why not! 

-Tenerife.. at least I think-

We arrived on time, collected the bags and went to the transport bus.. where we waited for over an hour!! This is why when I book holidays I book private transport. My mum booked our holiday as I’m away with the parents. 

We then arrived at the apartment and unpacked. The parents went shopping whilst I got the girls ready for our first trip to the pool.  

The pool is lovely, nice size and as the pool runs from one end to the other it seems fairly quiet, we shall see tomorrow if that is actually the case! 

-Lily & Daisy at the pool-


After the girls had played and we’d had a drink we decided to head back to get ready for going out for tea!

-Lily & Daisy-

We walked down to the front and choose a bar overlooking the sea for a drink. We then walked further along until we came across a tapas bar. The man serving us made a fuss of Daisy! We ordered tapas and the kids ordered kids meals. The food was nice, Daisy ate her entire pizza which was huge! Daisy doesn’t usually eat as she’s very hit and miss when it comes to food but tonight she well and turkey tucked in! 


After the meal we walked back to the apartment and enjoyed a drink on the balcony. 

Our first day has been lovely! Looking forward to a full day around the pool tomorrow!! 

☀️✈️👌🏻