Where has my baby gone?! 

Today Daisy graduated from nursery! I was so proud watching her on stage singing and dancing with all her friends! 

We were told daisy would never walk, talk or show any form of emotion.. how wrong they got it! She is such a happy clever little lady! 

Today at nursery all the children from morning nursery and afternoon nursery got to graduate together infront of parents and other relatives! It was amazing! 


They all sang a goodbye song which I had heard endlessly for the past two weeks at home! They sang a song they had learnt during music week and then they danced to a song that the children had voted on. At the end they were all presented with their learning journal and a gift. Daisy was so proud of herself! I was so proud of her! 

I must remember every single day just how lucky I am to have such a healthy lovable and clever girl! 

Here is Daisy on her first day at nursery and on her graduation day today! 

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Anxiety..

I have always thought of myself as the strong one! The one that can cope with everything and hold it all together for not just me but for everyone. I don’t talk about my feelings, I don’t let my guard down and I never let anyone know if I’m feeling down. I just get on with it and I’m fine.. Well recently I have been struggling to keep myself together.

Maybe this started in January. I quit my charity work with a plan to focus on me and the girls! I ran a charity that raised money for the unit that looked after Daisy when she was really ill. I set it up when Daisy was discharged from the hospital and it has literally been my life for the past three years. I held fundraisers, put on events and many other things… for the past three years I have sold Reindeer Food and Snowman Soup it was the big money maker for the charity, but this year (Dec 16) I found my sales drop.. I then learnt that a few friends had stolen my ideas and had began selling them for their own gain. It was a low blow and was the final straw which pushed me to step back and take a break.. anyway I think this could have caused the downfall I have now come to see.

In January I lashed out at my very best friend. Looking back now, she did not deserve the rant she received! Cutting a long story short I took a few minor things to heart and I told her I was done with her. We fell out.

Fast forward a few months.. At the time I didn’t really see my behaviour as odd but now I realise it wasn’t normal! I had become to over think things. I developed fears of things that I had never feared before. I took Daisy to get her ears pierced, I signed the paper work and then just as the lady was getting her things ready I had to walk out! I couldn’t cope! I felt as though i couldn’t breathe. Another time i went for my eyes testing and fainted! Who faints getting their eyes tested! I had a few other experiences like these that really didn’t make sense to me as i had never felt that way before.

Going shopping was becoming scary. I began to think that something bad was going to happen. It wasn’t helped by the police presence after the terror attacks and literally everytime i went shopping or out to a big public space i would plan my exit. I wouldn’t go into stores that didn’t have an easy get away. Going out for meals i had to sit with the door in my sight and eat as fast as possible so I could leave as soon as possible.

The main change in my behaviour occurred when my parents took Daisy away for the week, Lily was supposed to go but had changed her mind. As Lily deceided to stay home my sister opted to go in her place. this was the first time in a very long time that i was home alone and soley responsible for Lily. The week began fine, but as the week went on i started to feel really strange. I cant describe it any other way other than strange. Lily had been invited to her friends birthday party and was sleeping over at her house. I dropped her off at the party and walked over to the shops which were close to where we live. i was looking at suitcases and i had this rush of panic. I had to get out. I felt as though i could faint at any moment and i just had to leave. I ran! As i reached the door my mum rang, which i think helped to calm me down. I went home and had an emotional few hours flicking threw pictures of Daisy when she was ill. At around ten i took myself to bed. I was so restless and couldn’t get to sleep. After an hour of tossing and turning i received a phone call from the parent that had Lily asking me to come and collect her. I had instant panic! Walking at this time to her house wasn’t ideal but i was seriously terrified. I collected lily and when we were home we got into bed. This is when i had my first panic attack, my arms were shaking, my legs were shaking and i was uncontrollably crying. At the time i did not know what was happening and thought i was having some kind of seizure. Lily was so good! But i could see she was scared. I rang the only person i knew would be up. My friend that i had fallen out with in January. she was amazing! She told me to go come round to her house with Lily and she rang the medical helpline for some advice. I was given a drs appointment for the morning. I thanked her and hugged her before me and Lily left to go home. I had stopped shaking and the panic feeling wasn’t as strong. Lily snuggled up to me and went to sleep. I laid awake watching the television to try distract myself, at some point i must have fallen asleep.

The next day Lily went to her dads and i went to my doctors appointment. A friend came with me just incase i had a repeat of last night. I went in to see the doctor and well he wasn’t the best. He thought i was drunk! He told me i possibly had a shake problem in my arm. I left feeling as though i had just wasted my time. 

Fast forward a few months and these episodes were happening on a weekly basis sometimes twice a week!

Then came our holiday.. I love flying but for the first time in the twenty six years of my life I found I had to get drunk to enable myself to get on the plane.. I’m not a drinker! I love flying! The thought of terbulance would get me so excited! Not this time! I hated it! Even sat in the isle seat!! Whilst away I had roughly five panic attacks and I fainted once! Yes actually fainted! I spent three full days and four nights inside the apartment. This is not me! I wanted to go to see the volcano but I couldn’t bring myself to be in a place I had no control.. I wanted to go on a boat to see the dolphins but I couldn’t bring myself to do so! The days we ventured out were to the pool which was a minutes walk away and to the beach that was a five minute walk away! I went knowing I could get up and go home at any point.. and I drank! I found my way to cope whilst away was to drink! 

When we returned from our holiday I realised something wasn’t right! This was not me! I felt nervous all the time! I was scared all the time! I was worrying about things that didn’t matter! I was starting to create problems that didn’t exist! I felt faint when talking to people! I became a sweaty person when around others or worrying! I couldn’t concentrate! I couldn’t sleep! I was terrified of going to sleep and not waking up! I couldn’t breathe! It wasn’t me! 

So I booked in to see my doctor! Monday 10th July.. I was so nervous but I knew I had to do this as I was never going to get away from these feelings and well I couldn’t cope anymore. She was amazing! Completely understanding! Really helpful and I felt a weight realise from my shoulders as soon as we started talking. She advised me about talking therapy and prescribed me a low dose of medication. She told me I was experiencing anxiety and I wasn’t crazy! 

Leaving the appointment i felt so much better.. it was the first time in a long time that I walked home without my headphones in! 

That night I started my medication.. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day One..

Up at 3am to ensure we were all ready for the taxi picking us up at 4.. That hour went so fast! I ended up running out the house forgetting my purse! 

Luckily I realised and could nip back in for it! 

We arrived at the airport, straight to check in! Failed the self serve so ended up waiting in line to do it the old fashioned way! 

Then we went to Witherspoons for breakfast! It was so busy!! 
2 slices of toast and 1 bottle of prosecco later I was a little on my way to bring drunk! I didn’t drink the entire bottle I shared it with my sister! 

-Pre Flight Drinks-


As my toast arrived we were called for boarding an hour before we were due to take of so we didn’t rush! The girls got a magazine and I bought some food! Then we went to gate, was literally the last on! Oops!

-Lily & Daisy ready to board!-

 

Took my special drops rescue 

As the food and drink came round I thought as I was a little anxious and well I was already half cut I’d get myself 2 bottles of cava.. why not! 

-Tenerife.. at least I think-

We arrived on time, collected the bags and went to the transport bus.. where we waited for over an hour!! This is why when I book holidays I book private transport. My mum booked our holiday as I’m away with the parents. 

We then arrived at the apartment and unpacked. The parents went shopping whilst I got the girls ready for our first trip to the pool.  

The pool is lovely, nice size and as the pool runs from one end to the other it seems fairly quiet, we shall see tomorrow if that is actually the case! 

-Lily & Daisy at the pool-


After the girls had played and we’d had a drink we decided to head back to get ready for going out for tea!

-Lily & Daisy-

We walked down to the front and choose a bar overlooking the sea for a drink. We then walked further along until we came across a tapas bar. The man serving us made a fuss of Daisy! We ordered tapas and the kids ordered kids meals. The food was nice, Daisy ate her entire pizza which was huge! Daisy doesn’t usually eat as she’s very hit and miss when it comes to food but tonight she well and turkey tucked in! 


After the meal we walked back to the apartment and enjoyed a drink on the balcony. 

Our first day has been lovely! Looking forward to a full day around the pool tomorrow!! 

☀️✈️👌🏻

Going on Holiday!!!

I haven’t been abroad for years!! Literally 4 years! 

Ok so I’ve been away on a hen weekend, and weeks away in this county (U.K.) but actually abroad on holiday with my family just hasn’t happened! 

This is thanks to Daisy! Daisy who simply cost way too much in travel insurance to take away! I priced it up last year and I was looking at £2000+ which I just couldn’t justify at all. This year as she hasn’t been hospitalised yay! She is still a bit pricey but way cheaper at just £240! So yeh that’s the reason I haven’t been away for so long.. (Daisy has chronic lung disease hence why she costs more in travel ins) 

We travel to Tenerife in a few hours! I can not wait to be there.. I’m a little nervous because with Daisy having lung problems I am a little worried about how she’s going to react to the flying aspect of things. I’ve also been suffering from some kind of panic attacks recently (at least that’s what I think they are) so I’m hoping I don’t end up having one of those! I know once I’m there I’ll be fine.. it’s just the bit before I’m on edge about! 

I’m sure it will be fine!

✌🏻♥️

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother..

Why does my eldest daughters dad suck at being a dad so much? 

Myself and my two girls go away in two weeks to Tenerife for a two week holiday. We fly on a Monday and I had presumed the girls would spend the weekend just before at their dads. My youngest daughter, Daisy is and is also going away today for a short break with her dad so he can make the most of her before she goes away. 

My eldest daughter on the other hand gets dropped of early again on Sunday and her dad instructs me that he’ll try see her before we go away! Lily (my eldest) is away at Brownie camp this weekend so I knew he wouldn’t see her this weekend, however it is the school holidays and I know he doesn’t work each and every day all day and all night so thought he’d ask to have her at some point.. why I continue to think this after almost nine years of the same lack of effort i don’t know but I like to be hopeful. So I questioned if he’d be having her the weekend just before we go away as normal when I say normal nothing is normal about our set up as he doesn’t understand consistency and he isn’t really into having her if he can avoid it. Usually she goes after her drama class on a Saturday and returns either later that day or Sunday afternoon. He replied ‘I’ll get her after dance Friday and drop her at drama saturday’ this totals to thirteen hours! Of that she spends around ten of them asleep!! I didn’t argue it, I don’t like arguing about things whilst Lily is there to hear. 

This morning Lily explain that her dad is going on holiday I asked if she was going, she want sure.  I presumed he had just forgot to mention it. So I text him to see if she was correct. Turns out she was correct. He is going on holiday, the weekend that should be the first weekend he’ll be having Lily after our holiday. So I ask if Lily is going also. Of course I know the answer. No. 

Now maybe I’m wrong, but shouldn’t he be taking her? He won’t have seen her for twenty eight days and yet on the day he should be seeing her he’s decided he’s going to go away, without her. At the very least couldn’t he have gone whilst we were away and just not told her? 

.. whilst writing this I receive a text, it says. Just to remind you I’m away for a stag weekend on the seventh of July! So that actually means he won’t see her for forty three days! I do wonder if he understands that when you have responsibilities this is not ok! What can I do to make him realise that she is important?? She needs his attention! She needs his love and she needs to be in his life! 

He should realise how lucky he is! So many times I hear of stories where the mother doesn’t allow the child to see their father. All I want for my girls is to see their dads and be loved by both sides! Daisy’s dad is amazing and I can not fault him but Lilys dad doesn’t even deserve the title! 

  

Why does he drive me crazy.. 

All day I have looked forward to the five minutes it takes my youngest daughters dad to drop her off.. 

The problem with me and her dad is that we didn’t end on bad terms, if we had it would be so much easier to get over him. When she was born, she was ill. Really ill. She spent months in hospital and it tore us apart we just couldn’t cope with the strain and stress put on our relationship and when she came home from hospital things didn’t change she was still ill and we didn’t have time for ‘us’. So we split up. 

As time went on I was still concentrating fully on our daughter, he on the other hand had met someone else. I felt hurt and deflated, I guess I always thought we’d just one day end up back together. 

After a year or so they broke up and suddenly he started to show an interest in me again, we were texting, going out and behaving like we were together. But it was a secret, nobody knew. After six months I said enough was enough. I needed clarity. I was madly in love with him again! I told him I needed to be a couple officailaly or we needed to end whatever we were. I explained my feelings and he simply walked away. Again I was left heartbroken. He didn’t want a relationship at the time and he didn’t walk away because he was an arse he just wasn’t ready for what I wanted and I respected that. I just wish I’d have none this six months prior. 

A few months later I discovered he had another girlfriend. I was furious!! I hated him, but I loved him. He was with her for just over a year before they eventually ended. 

Which brings me to today.. we’ll kind of. 

For the past few weeks he has been acting different. Talking, hanging around when he’s dropping our daughter off, texting me. Which isn’t normal. He even complimented me! 

So of course I get the attention from him once again and the feeling of hope comes back! 

When he arrived to drop our daughter of this afternoon I made sure I looked good and secretly hoped he would want to stay for a bit and give me some attention. Which he did! We sat in the sun and watched our daughter playing in the hot tub whilst we chatted. After about thirty minutes he left as he had made plans to meet his friend at the pub. It drives me crazy that I can’t get him out of my head! Even after he left he was all I could think about! 

..Why does he make me feel like this! I love him but clearly we aren’t meant to be together! I wish I could get over him and move on but I can’t. He never hurt me, ok he hurt me by being with other people but he didn’t do it to spite me.. It sometimes would have been easier I think if he had done something awful to end our relationship. 

But still, even though I know this will never become what I want, I’ll reply to every text he sends with hope. Hoping this could be the right time for us?